Twilight on Crack
by Edward Vs Not
Summary: TWILIGHT ON CRACK, BABY! A parody of Twilight in which Bella is a suicidal emo kid and Edward is a preppy, acts-like-he's-gay kid. Basically everyone is opposite. Funniest thing ever. Please read and review! will be multi-chapter. AU


Here's a story about a girl who falls in love with a boy. Yes, it does indeed sound like just your typical love story but this story isn't at all like the one's you've heard before. First, let's stereotype our two main characters, Bella and Edward. Bella is your everyday, suicidal, emo kid who has some major problems. Edward is a super preppy, almost gay guy and very, very talkative. How those two get along, I don't know, but what I do know is that they couldn't be happier together. Okay, maybe minus all the times Bella has said she wanted to die and minus all the times she almost did. You've heard the _original_ Twilight story but this story is Twilight, on crack.

Bella was depressed again. Her mother had informed her that she would be living with her father -who, may I add, has an obsession with vampires- in Sporks, Washington. So, Bella's sitting on the plane, on the way to Sporks, playing around with her plastic knife that came with her food. Before she left, her mom had told her to stay away from knives, but of course, she didn't listen. She thought how she wanted the knife to be as real as her best friend back home, Slashin' Dan. Yes, her best friend indeed was a kitchen knife, a butcher's knife to be exact. The blade was 8 inches long, sharp, and no excuse for error. How many times she's used him? Well, just take a look at her. Pale skin, pale lips, do you think she has much blood left in her system?

She arrived in Sporks and her dad picked her up from the airport. She walked up to him and he brought a cross out.

"What the hell is that for, dad?" Bella asked in monotone.

"Oh, good. You're not a vampire," responded her dad to the fact she didn't flinch. "I've heard vampires hide amongst us. So be on your guard!" He jumps around suspiciously of every passerby. Bella sighs and follows her dad to the car. They got in and rode to her new home. As soon as they walked up to the door, Bella notices a cross above the door.

"Are those for the vampires, too?" asks Bella knowing they were.

"They could be anywhere I tell you," he looks at her wide eyed then cautiously opens the door and walks in. He sidles against the wall and shifts his eyes side to side. Bella shakes her head.

"Eff my life," she mumbles as she walks up to her new room. Before she enters, she takes the cross above her door and tosses it. Her room's pink. "Eff my life! Dad? Can I paint my room black so it can match the color of my soul?" She shouts down to her father.

"Sure thing!" Charlie responds half-listening. Bella plops on her bed.

"Eff my liifffeeee," she says yet again. "Eff my eff-ing lifeeee."

"By the way, Bells," Charlie called up. "I bought you a truck to drive to school in."

"What color is it?" Bella asked. She really hoped it was black.

"It's red."

"Like the color of blood," Bella murmured to herself. "That's awesome. Oh, by the way Dad," she called a little louder, "Don't call me Bells. It's too cheerful. Call me Belladonna, if anything besides Bella."

"Sure thing, Belladonna!"

Bella growled in frustration. Couldn't they just call her Bella? Was it really that hard? She flopped down face first onto her bed and muttered: "I am going to kill myself. I'm going to kill Charlie, and then I'm going to kill myself."

After about 40 minutes the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it!" says Charlie almost enthusiastically. He opens the door to see and Jacob (fangirls swoon. Ooo*does hand waves* Not that big of a deal). "Hey! What're you doing here?"

"Oh, we're just dropping off Bella's new truck," He moves out of the way to reveal a beat up, rusty red truck with crosses painted on the sides. "Ta da!"

"Omg! That's perfect! The vampires will surely stay away from my little Bella now!" replies Charlie ecstatically. Jacob growls at the word "vampires". "Bella," he shouts up, "Come down here! Mr. Black brought your new truck!" Bella comes downstairs and stands in the doorway looking at the truck.

"Eff…My…Life…" she says giving Charlie a "Who the hell do you think I am" look.

"Oh, it's not that bad! Just think about it, you'll be safe!" Charlie smiles.

"Ugh!" Bella says frustrated.

**To Be Continued….**


End file.
